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Love Me Tender/An Ungrateful Bastard
ian@dimensionflip.freeserve.co.uk | | | | | |
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They had been corresponding for three months when she sent him the hand.
A pretty blue box arrived one day, with a ribbon and a tag bearing the
words
"just for you".
An unusual gift. There were a couple of people he exchanged tapes with
by
mail, and a woman in Torquay who liked him to send her his soiled
underwear.
At first, this too had seemed a little strange but as she would always
enclose an expensive pair of designer briefs by return of post he decided
not to complain.
This, however, was something new. What was the custom, he pondered, when
somebody sent you a dismembered body part? A simple thankyou would not
suffice. He placed the outstretched palm on his kitchen table and hoped
it
wouldn't smell too much when he got back from work.
That night, he telephoned her.
"Hi"
"Hi....how are you?"
"Me? Oh, I'm great. I just wanted to say -"
"Did you get it then?"
"Yes, and it-"
"And what have you done with it?"
"Well, its on my kitchen table at the moment. I was wondering-"
"Kitchen table? Look, I went to great lenghts to get you that hand. If
you
don't want it just say so."
"No, no its wonderful. I-"
"Put it in the refrigerator immediately or it will lose all its flavour"
"Flavour?....."
"Yes, best eaten with mustard, I find. Lightly roasted."
"Oh...erm...thanks"
"Phone me back when you've done it."
In it went, between the Kit-e-Kat and the carrot juice. He didn't call
her
back that night, though he knew she'd be angry after all the trouble she
had
gone to.
The next morning, a curt message on his machine - "I presume from the
fact
that you didn't call me back that you were swallowed by the
refrigerator."
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