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Borderline
T J Roberts | | | | | |
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1
Billy didn't even want to look. He moved his eyes rapidly in their
sockets, without moving his head so that it would be less obvious to
Nina. He focused on the top of the wall where it met the ceiling,
then the corner of the bookcase, then a picture of Joe Strummer which
he had pulled from a magazine and stuck up on the wall a few months
ago. He didn't let his gaze rest on one spot for too long, and he
certainly didn't let it stray anywhere near the large mirror which he
and Nina were stood in front of, both of them naked as the day they
were born.
But Nina wasn't stupid, and she could tell exactly what Billy was
doing.
"Just look, Billy", she said.
Billy didn't really have a hang up about his body, he wasn't one of
those people who got undressed in the dark or anything. It wasn't the
idea of looking at his body that bothered him, just the idea of
looking at his body beside Ninas. He was afraid that he would soil
her purity, that his ugliness would somehow detract from her beauty.
But Nina had insisted, and so he looked.
The mirror on the wall was an old one with a gilded frame, and was
big enough for Billy to see the whole of both their bodies, from head
to toe, every blemish in clear view. At first it was exactly as he'd
feared, a horrific sight. But the longer he looked, the more his
perception altered. He realised that it could work both ways. Instead
of him making Nina uglier, he was becoming more beautiful from just
being with her. And Billy knew that he was absorbing her perfection
below the surface as well. He could feel her strength and tolerance
flowing into him even as they stood there. Billy didn't know if this
had been the point of the exercise, the reason Nina had him standing
there in the first place, but it had worked for him. In the mirror he
saw Ninas reflection break into a smile, and looking at his own
reflection he saw he was smiling too.
And Billy was ready to face the outside world again.
2
The door of the building Billy and Nina lived in opened directly onto
the main street of the town. As Billy stepped out onto the pavement
he glanced cautiously to his left then his right. The street was dead
straight and you could see a long way into the distance in both
directions. But on this grey autumn morning there was not a soul in
sight. Billy, despite his earlier confidence, was quite glad, not
feeling up to a confrontation just yet. He pulled his jacket sleeves
over his hands, feeling the cold even though it was only October, and
set off on the short walk to Costcutters.
It was the first time Billy had been out in over a week. These mini
breakdowns which he had were an erratic but frequent occurrence. They
were not usually brought on by any specific incident, just some
mornings Billy would wake up with an irrational fear of the world in
general, and people in particular. Nina would let him mope around the
flat for a few days, catering for his every need, before helping him
gradually rebuild some semblance of a life. Sending him out for the
messages was a standard part of the rehabilitation process. Billy
often wondered what he'd do without Nina. Apart from the obvious
financial factor (Billy never having had a proper job in his life),
he also felt he relied on her emotionally, to help him through the
days when he didn't even feel like getting out of bed, as well as
sharing his joy on the rare occasions when he was truly happy. He had
become so dependent on her that were she to leave him he wouldn't be
able to function at all. Billy shuddered. It didn't bear thinking
about. H
As he entered the shop, Billy immediately pinpointed another obstacle
to overcome. The till was being manned by someone he vaguely knew, a
boy who had been in the year below him at school. That was the
problem with living in a small town: you knew everyone, or more
worryingly, everyone knew you. Billy tried to avoid shops which
involved any speaking beyond saying "thank you" when you were given
your change (something Billy always did without fail, like standing
for women on buses), for example shops which had something he needed
kept behind the counter, but this was all shot to hell if the person
serving you was going to try and make conversation.
As he approached the counter with his bread and Mars Bars and Irn Bru
Billy suddenly wished the shop was really busy, so that there would
be no time for idle chit-chat. But it was deserted save for the two
of them, so Billy was surprised and relieved when the shop assistant
rang up his purchases without saying a word. But as Billy handed over
the ten pound note Nina had given him, the boys eyes suddenly
narrowed and he pointed at Billys chest.
"What's that supposed to mean?", he asked.
Billy looked down at his cheap anorak to see what in particular
amongst the many badges with the names of bands and charity ribbons
he was referring to. He followed the line of the boys finger to a
badge he had made some time ago at the youth club and since forgotten
about. It read "I AM NOT BATMAN" across it in Billys handwriting, his
neatest capital letters. He looked up at the boy, focusing on his
left shoulder so as not to make eye contact.
"Um, its to avoid confusion" he said, the same answer he had given
the girl operating the badge machine at the youth club. It had seemed
clever and funny then, but now it just evoked a pause then a quiet
"oh." from the shop assistant. He handed over Billys change without
another word and Billy left the shop.
Back in the street Billy suddenly felt very cold and very alone. All
the bravado he had felt earlier now seemed totally insignificant
without Nina there beside him. He decided to bypass the paper shop
and head straight home, to the safety of his bed and Nina.
3
That night Billy and Nina lay on the lawn in the back garden, staring
up at the black sky. Billy spent a lot of time in the garden. He
found it funny that while the front door of the building opened into
the street and the rest of the world, the back door opened into his
own piece of paradise, totally enclosed and safe from harm. In the
summer he would often spend whole days there, lying on the lawn with
his Walkman on. The other occupants of the building didn't spend much
time in the garden so he usually had it to himself.
About four months ago, in the middle of summer, Nina had had the idea
to go and lie on the lawn at night. Like with the mirror thing Billy
had not really understood the point at first, but it had had a
calming influence on him, so they now did it whenever Billy was
feeling insecure. What Billy liked about staring into the night was
that it convinced him that it really was night. The day was over and
tomorrow would be a new day, a fresh start.
Billy shivered, and Nina moved closer against him. It was a cold
night, and soon they would have to stop these night time excursions
until the winter passed. Billy didn't know what he would do on hard
nights then, but he was sure Nina would think of something. She
always did. Billy considered himself a bit slow, and he knew Nina was
much smarter than him. But she hardly ever explained anything to him,
instead demonstrating things to him and letting him work it out
himself, like she had done with the mirror this morning. In Billys
view this made her even cleverer and even more special.
But something was bothering Billy tonight. He didn't want to be
spoon-fed by Nina all his life. He felt he was holding her back. He
wanted to be a help, not a hindrance. But that wasn't all. He wanted
not just to alleviate Ninas burden but to make her proud of him. Nina
often told Billy she was proud of him, when had done something that
was hard for him, but he wanted her to mean it, to feel the pride
inside her belly like Billy constantly did with her when they were
out together.
Billy vowed at that moment to make something of himself. After all,
why not? He was a healthy young man with time on his hands, no less
clever than a lot of successful people. The world was there for the
taking. Billy smiled, happy to have reached a decision. So that was
it then. He would prove the world wrong and make Nina proud.
He looked up at the sky. Tomorrow. He would start tomorrow.
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