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Borderline
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3
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"Um, its to avoid confusion" he said, the same answer he had given
the girl operating the badge machine at the youth club. It had seemed
clever and funny then, but now it just evoked a pause then a quiet
"oh." from the shop assistant. He handed over Billys change without
another word and Billy left the shop.
Back in the street Billy suddenly felt very cold and very alone. All
the bravado he had felt earlier now seemed totally insignificant
without Nina there beside him. He decided to bypass the paper shop
and head straight home, to the safety of his bed and Nina.
3
That night Billy and Nina lay on the lawn in the back garden, staring
up at the black sky. Billy spent a lot of time in the garden. He
found it funny that while the front door of the building opened into
the street and the rest of the world, the back door opened into his
own piece of paradise, totally enclosed and safe from harm. In the
summer he would often spend whole days there, lying on the lawn with
his Walkman on. The other occupants of the building didn't spend much
time in the garden so he usually had it to himself.
About four months ago, in the middle of summer, Nina had had the idea
to go and lie on the lawn at night. Like with the mirror thing Billy
had not really understood the point at first, but it had had a
calming influence on him, so they now did it whenever Billy was
feeling insecure. What Billy liked about staring into the night was
that it convinced him that it really was night. The day was over and
tomorrow would be a new day, a fresh start.
Billy shivered, and Nina moved closer against him. It was a cold
night, and soon they would have to stop these night time excursions
until the winter passed. Billy didn't know what he would do on hard
nights then, but he was sure Nina would think of something. She
always did. Billy considered himself a bit slow, and he knew Nina was
much smarter than him. But she hardly ever explained anything to him,
instead demonstrating things to him and letting him work it out
himself, like she had done with the mirror this morning. In Billys
view this made her even cleverer and even more special.
But something was bothering Billy tonight. He didn't want to be
spoon-fed by Nina all his life. He felt he was holding her back. He
wanted to be a help, not a hindrance. But that wasn't all. He wanted
not just to alleviate Ninas burden but to make her proud of him. Nina
often told Billy she was proud of him, when had done something that
was hard for him, but he wanted her to mean it, to feel the pride
inside her belly like Billy constantly did with her when they were
out together.
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4